Monday, May 16, 2011

I'm Dating a Sex Addict?

Well, I never thought I would write that. Especially about Michael. Sweet, sensitive, caring, loving Michael.

But that is what we have come to understand. And come to grow around. 

First, to be totally clear, neither of us believe that AGP is an addiction. We have simply come to the realization that Michael is addicted to AGP. He litterally trained his brain, over years of practice, to believe that the way that he orgasmed was through AGP fantasy. 

We believe that Michael's sexuality is far more complex, varied and dynamic than that. And, in order to discover and enjoy the range of his sexuality, he needs to break his addiction and I need to support him.

Why do we think Michael is a sex addict?

Michael and I learned that he is addicted with two realizations: the reality that he was lying not only to me, but to himself, about his activities and his intense fear that he would not be able to control his behavior if he promised me to change things - even the lying. 

His lack of control over destructive behavior - especially lying - was a real eye-opener for both of us. We cried.

Our Goals in Breaking the Addiction

It would be easy to assume that our goal of breaking the addiction is to scorn this aspect of Michael and his sexuality. This is not the case. Rather, we want to celebrate and explore the totality of both of our sexualities, which requires two healthy sexual partners.

And Michael is not a healthy sexual partner. Yet.

By head-on breaking the addiction, we are giving ourselves the space and opportunity to develop a strong foundation of mutually-satisfying sexual play. One that we will have confidence in when the time comes to explore more adventurous sides of our sexuality. Some one-sided, some intimidating.

But, we'll be able to explore with the confidence in, support of and love for a core of mutually-satisfying pleasure, making the probability of success and fun much higher!

We needed a plan

To break the addiction successfully, first thing we did was take the idea of making promises off the table. Breaking a promise is kind of like lying and needed to be taken off the table. It was far too scary, it was far too high pressure.

Rather, we decided to setup daily goals that we reviewed at the end of each day. We then determined goals for the next day. I was there for support and structure, not for ideas. The goals were Michael's. He chose them, he owned them.

We started off slow, with only a couple very clear goals: no masturbation, no erotica, to be honest and candid. They grew with Michael's confidence, at his pace and at his request.

Each night before bed, Michael and I review his goals for the day by asking a series of questions. I give him the structure and safe space to talk about his experiences and challenges for the day.

Sometimes, it feels like I am policing him, especially when it is late and we are both tired, or if its been an emotionally draining day already. But its my job and its the least I can do - he's the one putting in 99% of the effort here! In the last few days, he has started asking me questions too, to help me with my emotional regulation, and that has been great, but thats for another post.

In the beginning, everyday was a challenge and he largely replaced his AGP outlets with research of reading transition stories of other transgendered individuals. I pointed out that we were both learning less and less each day, while expending lots of energy. We decided that we both needed to stop researching. We've both read just about everything that the internet offers on the subject and I'm sure we'll come back to it, but for now we both need the emotional break.

Some of Our Questions

For others in similar positions, our daily goals might be helpful. I want to remind everyone that these were Michael's goals, not mine and we chose goals for the next day each night. If one seemed too hard to be successful the next day, we took a day off. At this point, our questions have evolved quite a bit and we no longer require daily consideration of our goals for the next day, but here are questions throughout our experience:

...since our last questions have you...
  • masturbated?
  • looked at erotica or porn?
  • been present durring sex?
  • crossed dressed?
  • been honest and candid with me?
  • done and research or reading about TG issues?
  • How has AGP affected your life today?
  • What went well today?
  • Is there anything else you would like to tell me?

Michael's Take on his Addiction

Wish us luck!


  1. Thank you so much for this! My wife & I are going through the same - it has almost cost us our marriage. Your sharing of tools & methods you have used to help go through this is VERY helpful. I also feel relieved to know that there are others out there who are experiencing similar AGP problems like me. I send you my whole-hearted thanks and wish you much love & success in your relationship!

  2. This is such a difficult issue to go through and so complex and hard to understand. And it's hard to stop what has become an addiction. I've been there, and I'm trying to help others find healing from crossdressing from a Christian perspective through my wordpress site. I will pray for you both right now.

  3. You guys share a strong bond of love. I wish you all the best. I really would like to hear more about how you guys doing now. It really means a lot to those who are fighting against AGP like me. Thanks a lot for the post.

  4. I'm really impressed you have taken this on the chin and continue to try and be a loving wife in what are very difficult circumstances... how far are you willing to let him go before you could no longer contemplate continuing your marriage? i expect you already feel angry about being lied to and betrayed so egregiously, i wondered how you managed to surmount the issues of trust that i just couldn't with my own Agp partner? i felt very distressed about being co-opted without my consent into a relationship i would never have agreed to had i known what he was really up to on the sly.
    after trying to support and indulge him a while, it became clear that he was going to keep breaking his promises and keep crossing the boundaries i was desperate for him not to cross and eventually ended up medically transitioning and living full time as a woman. What if your husband decides that is what he wants? how do you know it wont change in the future? if you have daughters, watch out for his behaviors when they reach menarche or when you reach menopause - BOTH are triggers for many married autogynephiles.
    i think youre amazing - please keep your head amidst all the gaslighting and stay strong for those babies... you are the ony reliable parent they have now. autogynephilia is incurable and tends to escalate through life which is why we have so many late transitioners.
    i dont want to be offensive, but seriously, have you had and HIV and STD screen? after all the lies my ex told and continued to tell after he came out, i so desperately wanted to believe he was finally being honest with me... but i found evidence of his double life, the things he was doing online, the group of friends i was never allowed to meet.. and that the lie he was living was an even bigger one than before.i wouldnt put my children through having to deal with that, so he had to go. he was using their underwear to masturbate in and my eldest daughters razors to shave his body hair. i feel sick at the number of times he must have got away with masturbating in my pre pubescent daughters panties.