How to even start?
Well, lets start with Michael & my journey. We'll get into my issues later.
The Path to Love
We met last May (its almost our anniversary!) and slowly developed a great relationship. I remember realizing that I loved him in the fall. He is a wonderful man. Thoughtful, considerate, compassionate, intelligent. We balance each other very well. I have the 30,000 foot view and a real taste for adventure. He makes sure we have the best checking account in town and that our puppy is fed. My emotions are strong (I mostly bring the happiness) and he is an emotional rock -- a tether for my volatility. I love him. We're far from perfect, but we're really good.
Sexual Fantasies & My Panic
I've had the pleasure of indulging several exes sexual fantasies (including some pretty kinky ones) and wanted to be generous and playful with Michael. So, in November, I asked him about his sexual fantasies. He was reluctant. No, he was more than reluctant, he clearly did not want to share. But, I pressured him to the point that he broke down and told me.
Its hard for me to remember exactly what he said. But, I know that he told me that he was interested in cross-dressing and that he would be interested in me dressing like a man and fucking him with a dildo. I know I listened carefully for an hour or two, asking lots of questions. And then, I panicked. I balled, walking around my neighborhood at 3am for an hour, if not more.
The next weeks were intense, it seemed that every waking moment was consumed with trying to understand the information that had been given to me, trying to fit it into my understanding. We had huge amounts of very good sex. We even tried having him wear women's panties while we were having sex and it affected me much less than I anticipated.
It came out that he was turning me down for sex in order to masturbate, so he promised me that he would stop masturbating (even though I did not ask for this).
After a few intense weeks -- where we weren't sure if we were going to make it or not -- things settled themselves down and we continued on with our pretty much normal life. We were having sex more frequently and Michael was turning me down less frequently, which I appreciated. We continued having him dress durring sex 1-2 times per month, with increasing intensity, but, it was far from the best sex we had, from either of our perspectives.
We felt our emotional bond grow quickly and our feelings for each other increased greatly in intensity. We decided to move in together.
The Second Unraveling
Things had been moving along quite nicely. We love living together and have created a life and schedule that we both cherish. I love coming home to him and he looks forward to my return each evening. And then I did something stupid. I was working on his computer, doing my taxes, and I looked at his bookmarks...
Cue Rebecca melt-down.
I felt like my entire world had been melted down again. We had conflict for two and a half weeks, again, trying to get to the bottom of what all of these things meant.
The first tipping point was when I found out that he was in another world fantasizing the vast majority of the time that we had sex. I had suspected such many times, but chose to believe that he was simply reveling in the pleasure. So, I had sex with him while I was off fantasizing in another world. Of course, I came more quickly and he said that I moved and acted very differently. He did not like it.
From that night on, we agreed to only participate in present sex.
In the next week or so, we discovered the idea of AGP and many of the AGP resources out there. It gave us a vocabulary to speak about Michael's desires. It was also at exactly that same time that the massive lies that were underpinning our relationship came out.
Michael looked me in the eyes, told me the honest truth. Cried.
And then, two days later, it came out that he was lying, again. While he looked me in the eyes. While he promised me that it was the honest truth. PAIN. ANGER. RAGE. PAIN. HURT. FEAR. RAGE.
I think that's where I need to leave it for today. Even a few weeks later, thinking about those days bring tears to my eyes.